My hidden world

things are getting worse, i didnt know it would be possible for things to get worse, but they are. i think im depressed. i took an online test. and it said that i was depressed. i have no motivation for anything anymore. i dont try in school anymore, and its harder to put on my happy face during the day, sometimes i cant wait to go home so i can be alone. so i dont have to hide what im feeling. and the only place i can do that is in my bathroom. its the only place my parents cant hear me cry. i like to lie down in my shower and close the door. its comforting being surrounded by 4 walls. i like knowing that im the only one who can be in this space. i like to stare at the wall, and just have an empty mind. the problem is once i lay down, i have no motivation to get up. ive been using food as a source of self medicating. i ate a whole box of macaroni by myself. and still ate dinner. and the thing is. i dont even care. i used to be so so fearful of everything i put in my mouth, but i guess since ive been struggling for 5 years now, ive just given up. i feel like i have no future. nothing to look forward to. sure i have dreams. but i know for a fact they will never come true. i just dont want to try anymore. all i want to do is lay in my bed and never talk to anyone. i just. im just tired. i know i will never take my own life but, i just dont feel like going out anymore. i still want to live, but just at home, by myself, where i can let out all my feeling and stop faking to be a happy confident person, because its hard to pretend your someone that your not every single day of your life.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:24:07 -0500

done

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 00:35:11 -0400

I hate how predictable my life is. i’m going to get woken up by my alarm, get ready, rush to school, sit down at my desk, get my test, finish my test, go to science, write notes, go pee, eat, fuck around in english, eat, do dick all in art, come home, eat, do dick all, eat dinner, have a nap before doing my homework, stay up till all hours, wake up tired af and repeat.

I just want something exciting to happen.

I don’t want to be doing the same old boring ass shit every single fucking day of my life.

I’m just so fucking done.

omgtoohilarious: Omgtoohilarious!

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:48:19 -0400

omgtoohilarious:

Omgtoohilarious!

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Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:46:31 -0400

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Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:46:14 -0400

My body fat percentage is lower than average

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:42:21 -0400

*happy dancing*

My parents fucking suffocate me. I can't do fucking anything without them fucking asking me a million questions about where I am who I am with where are you going when will you be back. Like wtf. I'm so fucking tired. I just want to fucking live is that too much to ask for???

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 03:14:18 -0400

I'm so fucking done

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 03:12:19 -0400

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Fri, 06 Apr 2012 23:19:34 -0400

I don't know how to feel anymore. Life is pointless. I have no friends. I wake up, go on the computer for 10 hours, and then go to bed. I don't get any notifications. Any texts. Nothing. I just feel invisible. And that's not even the worst part. When I'm with friends, I still feel alone. I don't laugh. I don't have fun. I still feel alone even if I'm surrounded by people, and I don't know why. I don't know what to do with myself. I just feel like I never express any emotion anymore. I'm afraid too, if that makes any sense. When I'm at home, I don't laugh, I don't cry, I don't talk. I can't express myself. Why? I'm not quite sure. I just feel embarrassed for some reason. I don't want my parents to see my emotions. I don't know why. I just don't. I feel like I can't do anything around them. We have a elliptical, I would love to use it. But I'm to embarrassed to use it around my parents. I feel like they would judge me or something. I just wish I could be alone. Which confuses me. Because I strive to look a certain way so I can fit in. Maybe I want to be alone because I'm not comfortable with who I am. I don't know. I hate myself, so much. Which has been hard. Iv'e hated myself for about 4 years now. I just wish I could finally get to that point, where I'm happy about my body, and then maybe i'll be happy. It's just so far away. I just wish I could leave. Pack up everything and leave. Go somewhere where nobody know's who I am. Transform myself, and come back to my life as a new person. I just don't see the point of life. I'm tired of living. Not saying that I would take my own life, because I'm scared of what would happen afterwards, but I just don't feel happy anymore.

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:35:33 -0500

It's so fucking stressful to go to school every day on top of losing weight. Like I want to go to the fucking gym, but I fucking can't because of fucking homework! Ugh I fucking hate school. We don't learn shit anyways. All school is is and over rated popularity contest that makes you feel like shit because you know you will never look or feel as good as those popular beautiful girls. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate homework, I fucking hate how I can't display any emotions when I'm at home because of my fucking parents, fuck there they are again, barging into my room, like fucking i need some space sometimes, jesusssss. FUCK EVERYTHING I FUCKING HATE LIFE. I HATE MY BODY. I HATE MYSELF OMFG

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:20:51 -0500

You don't know how badly I want to be skinny, I can feel my muffin top sitting on the edge of my jeans, it's a horrible felling, my face is chubby, I can't wear anything, or even go outside for that matter, felling good about myself. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate how when I'm with my friends I still feel alone, because nobody gets what I'm going through. Ive been over weight since lets see, grade 3. I don't want to live the rest of my life fat. Do you fucking hear me. I'm KILLING my teenage years as an over weight fat ass who hates her self and can never truly be happy knowing that the only thing she has ever wanted in life was to be skinny, to be happy, to just be. And I can't do that. I need to be skinny. I would kill to be skinny. Its the only thing I want. And the thing that kills me is that I feel I will never be happy with my self, I will never be skinny enough. I lost 30 fucking pounds. I still look like a hippo. And im not just saying that. Some lucky ass bitches who actually are skinny, say like, Oh i lost like blah blah blah but I'm still so fattttt. SHUT UP. DO YOU FUCKING SEE YOUR BODY. PEOPLE WOULD DIE, WOULD DIE. DO HAVE YOUR BODY. BE GREATFUL. I live my life every day wondering what it would be like to be skinny. To feel pretty, to feel confident in my self. To not look in the mirror, and hate your reflection. To know that you want something so bad that is so far out of reach that it just kills you. I hate my body. Why can't I just be skinny. If I could go back in time I would. I would starve my self and make sure I wouldnt get to the point I am now. Because Im telling you. Being fat is like living hell every day of your life. You feel like your being mocked wherever you go. You don't want to go outside of your house because of they way you look. Sometimes I see my self in the mirror and look at my stomach, and it sickens me. God will I ever be happy. Will I ever get married, or even have a boyfriend. Scratch that, will a boy ever look at me. You know what fuck that. Boys would never love some fat lard like me. I'm sick, and tired of this constant struggle. I just want to be skinny. God, I just want to be fucking skinny.

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 03:08:41 -0500

I've lost 30 pounds, and I look and feel like I'm still the same girl I was, 30 pounds ago

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 02:55:27 -0500

This is the life that I have to live.

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 19:59:33 -0500

hard-knock-life:

hotfornewzealand:

Doesn’t this make you wish you were one of those skinny girls who can eat whatever the FUCK they want and don’t gain a POUND?

Just live your life: FAT. FAT IS ALL I'LL EVER BE.

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 19:59:02 -0500

Just live your life: FAT. FAT IS ALL I'LL EVER BE.:

Don’t you wish you could change something about yourself. Just one thing, one thing that you would kill yourself for. I would. I hate my body. I’m 142 pounds and still in highschool. I’m fat. I wake up everyday, knowing that I’m going to have to open my closet and put on my size 12 jeans, and my L…

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